Self-Development and Family Relations: Playing the Cards We Are Dealt

We do not choose the family into which we are born. In a time when families are being broken and are highly unstable, being born into a family, however unstable it is, is a blessing. There are many who do not know who their fathers are, and some who do not even know who their mothers are.

Whatever family we were given, how do we turn it into a source of growth?

Playing Our Cards Without Complaining

Whatever "cards we are dealt" in terms of family, we need to play them the best way we can, without complaining. Someone may be born with understanding parents and siblings, yet become complacent because of all the family support, and not grow. Then there are orphans who go on to achieve the most in life. The example of excellence is that of Prophet Muhammad (SAW), who had neither father nor mother. Allah reminded him: "Did He not find you an orphan and give you refuge?" (Qur'an 93:6).

Setting Boundaries Without Breaking Ties

For difficult relations, it is important to set boundaries and develop an understanding with family members, to protect ourselves from harm. Toxic family members can inflict the most harm on us because they know us so intimately. The Qur'an gives a model even for the hardest case, that of parents who push a child toward wrongdoing: do not obey them in that, but "accompany them in this world with appropriate kindness" (Qur'an 31:15).

Nevertheless, it is almost never recommended to break family ties, because we learn so much about ourselves and about life just by being part of the family. Allah tells us to be mindful of Him and of the ties of kinship (Qur'an 4:1), and the Prophet (SAW) warned that the one who severs the ties of kinship will not enter Paradise (Sahih al-Bukhari 5984; Sahih Muslim 2556). Even if they cut off relations with us, it is important that we maintain the ties, even if the boundaries are very strict. The Prophet (SAW) said, "The one who maintains ties is not the one who merely reciprocates, but the one who maintains them when they are cut off" (Sahih al-Bukhari 5991). A man once told him that he keeps ties with relatives who cut him off, and the Prophet (SAW) assured him that Allah would keep supporting him as long as he continued (Sahih Muslim 2558).

Keeping Ties in Difficult Cases

In extreme cases, one might visit them, or talk or text once in a while, and at the very least greet them with a good greeting. For others where interaction may become very difficult indeed, just being in their presence once in a while might be enough to maintain the ties of kinship.

Family Helps or Hinders, and We Still Grow

We do not choose our family members. They can help us develop, or they can retard our growth. We need to take care of ourselves first, while fulfilling family duties and obligations, with boundaries if necessary, for optimal self-development. The Prophet (SAW) confirmed that our own self has a right over us, just as our Lord and our family do, and that we should give each its due (Sahih al-Bukhari 1968).